This odd amateur comedy sketch, using some archive newsreel footage, is a north east ‘spoof of a spoof’ travel documentary about the South London suburb of Balham, originally written by Frank Muir and Denis Norden for a 1950s BBC radio series called Third Division. It was later famously performed by Peter Sellers, in a parody of the famous American newsreel-travelogue host James A. Fitzpatrick. This film was made by former 1930s dance band musician and member of the Newcastle & District...

This odd amateur comedy sketch, using some archive newsreel footage, is a north east ‘spoof of a spoof’ travel documentary about the South London suburb of Balham, originally written by Frank Muir and Denis Norden for a 1950s BBC radio series called Third Division. It was later famously performed by Peter Sellers, in a parody of the famous American newsreel-travelogue host James A. Fitzpatrick. This film was made by former 1930s dance band musician and member of the Newcastle & District Amateur Cinematographers Association (ACA), George Cummin, who also stars in cameo roles as the ‘toothbrush holesmanship’ worker, café customer, and pianola maestro. It uses the original soundtrack by Peter Sellers, released in 1958. The first scenes are 1930s Pathé newsreel of the ancient folk game of Shrove Tuesday football at Alnwick, the goal decorated in greenery. Working class women pose on their doorsteps down a Victorian terraced street. General views of an early (1920s?) high street with market stalls, H. Daddy Ltd. store on a corner. Three men walk past ‘Ye Olde Apple Shoppe – Shipleys’ - its frontage decorated with enamel signs for ‘Rowntrees Chocolates and Pastilles’ and ‘Players Navy Cut’.  Close-up of a shop window advertising fish and chips. General view of stores, R. Thirlwell and J. Richards, Druggist, on St Antony’s Road. Further shots of a fruit and vegetable stall and the doors to a cinema follow. A crowd of men in flat caps, two with dogs on leads, gather on a cobbled quayside. Shot of a fish and chip shop frontage. Low angle shot of the back of a man who tips his top hat. Group portrait of two women in shawls with a young girl in a beret hat, smiling, on a misty or smoggy street. Repeat shot of the man with top hat. The camera pans along an historic street, one man standing in the upper floor doorway of a stone warehouse. George Cummin performs his role as the ‘toothbrush holesmanship worker’ in a fake beard, cap and round glasses. He holds up a toothbrush and demonstrates how he creates the holes in the handles. He also performs the role of an Indian gentleman in a turban and black-face, and dark leather gloves, which fake dark-skinned hands, to whom the worker explains his craft. Next, there are general views of a busy park playground, the children playing on swings, roundabouts and slides. A rather dull-looking water fountain is shown. A nanny, or mother, reads to two children on a park bench. The commentary imitates the reading of the story, but the words are those of a bodice-ripper romance and totally inappropriate for the kids! General view of a very old street of stone cottages. George Cummin now performs the role of Eugene Quill who plays the pianola and ‘has never had a lesson in his life’. Brief shot of a street. Then the screen plunges into black as the commentary describes Balham as night falls. A round light appears, a traffic light then pictured changing from green, amber, to red. There’s a general view of a street with neon signs at night. A 45rpm vinyl record plays on a mono record player, possibly a Dansette. George Cummin (without disguise) is seated at a (stage set) café table, playing a customer perusing a menu. He gestures to camera, calling over a waitress. George Cummin also performs the role of the waitress in pearls, who arrives to take the man’s order. A long exchange follows. Each request is met with the same reply: the food is “off” the menu. The film darkens. The Big Ben clock face appears, striking ten. Shots of rainy streets at night follow. A shot of a statue celebrating a famous male figure follows. A montage of shots - railway lines, rowing on a river, a cemetery and church clock - accompany the lines of a poem, based on Rupert Brooke’s ‘The Old Vicarage, Grantchester’.  As the final line is read out – “And is there honey still for tea?” - George Cummin appears as the waitress, shaking his head, with the last line of the film: “Honey’s off dear.” Title: The End